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Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles and pay to walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
"I`m sorry" and "I apologise" mean the same thing...except when you`re at a funeral.
The only people who care about my college degree are the college loan people.
Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! -Librarians arguing
Only at McDonald`s do they say, "Sorry about your wait" and actually mean "weight" :P
It doesn`t take much to make a woman happy, but it takes even less to make her mad.
I know there are some people we say were dropped on their heads as babies. But there are others that were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall & fell out the window.
I used to be in a band called "missing cat". You`ve probably seen our poster.
Meanwhile one million men got to enjoy a quiet afternoon at home without anyone nagging them.
It’d be hilarious to release a gorilla in a gorilla suit at the mall and see the look on security’s face when they pull off the mask.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
My sex life is like a Ferrari ... I don`t have a Ferrari
Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.
Million dollar idea: A snooze button that lets you sleep longer the harder you hit it.
The Drug Store cashier asked me how im doing as I put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. "Not great man, I`ve got diarrhea" I told him.