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I saved my husband`s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
I laid awake all night again worrying about why I’m always so tired.
My mom at night: Good night, sweet dreams I love you. My mom in the morning: Wake the f*ck up you lazy piece of sh!t.
Dear Mom, If all my friends jumped off a cliff, it`s because it was my idea. Sincerely, Your child is a leader, not a follower.
Life gets expensive when you trust a cute woman.
That awkward moment when you finish watching a TV series and you don’t know what to do with your life any more.
Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as Kraft singles?
Waking up everyday seems a little excessive.
You say I’m not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I’m not cold, I’m hot. I know I’m hot. Thanks for embracing it.
My girlfriend asked me to send some dirty pics. So I sent her a picture of my sink full of dishes. :)
I was chasing my dreams, but I tripped over reality and busted my head on the truth.
love a girl with a trimmed bush because it makes it easier to see into her window at night.
I was going to buy my first pair of Jordans.. Until I saw the price.. So I decided to make a car payment instead!
I hate it when I open Facebook and miss a week of work.
So many fun things to say ... too many relatives on Facebook to post!