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I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Have you noticed that tire stores never hang big banners that say "Blowout Sale"?
I keep myself in just good enough shape to outrun most women and small children during emergencies.. :|
This Crazy Weather Makes Me Want To Masturbate Furiously!!!
Instead of exes, they should be called whys.
Life is like toilet paper....either you`re on a roll....or you`re taking sh*t from some asshole
The worst part about being alone is I don`t have anyone to get me a beer from the fridge.
10 years ago Facebook came in to our lives forever changing our ability to judge each other from our couches.
Survival rule #1: Don`t go first.
Monday :`( Tuesday :-( Wednesday :- Thursday :-/ Friday :-| Saturday :-) Sunday B-)
You bring the friendship, I`ll bring the benefits.
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything... Well, my phone number for a start.
Jesus, take the wheel. Carlos, you take the stereo & I`ll take lookout.
I`m sorry officer, I thought you wanted to race.
I could actually watch golf on TV if Land Mines were involved.