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When I say "I cleaned my room", I usually mean I made a path from my door to my bed.
I don`t care about your status...
Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.
Just because they sell yoga pants in XXL doesn`t mean it`s ok to wear them in public.
I would like to think I will die a heroic death, but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my dog and choke on a spoonful of frosting.
There’s been over 30 billion messages posted on Facebook, and yet most of us have never even talked to our neighbors.
It`s amazing how I come up with my best status updates when I`m in the shower or when I`m driving. I think it has a lot to do with me being naked.
I hate it when I think I`m buying organic vegetables and I get home to discover they`re just regular doughnuts.
never tell a lie...unless it is true
I can`t possibly f*ck up the entire universe, so that`s a relief.
One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
I now have more electronic screens in my life than friends.
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook status updates; it just makes me not care what you think of them…
I`m starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I`ll never ever use one again. I`m so excited about it. Yes.
Chips have little nutritional value. That’s why you need to eat the whole bag.