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Tip: When you’re not famous, people don’t let you pay for things with an autographed napkin.
Putting vodka in my juice, because it`s Russia somewhere.
People tend to get angry when you treat them the same way they treat you.
My inner self is in Photoshop
Just so I`m sure to make friends, I like to walk in the bar carrying a handful of phone chargers.
Bars are Weird Its the only Business that kicks you out for buying TOO much of their Product
My son got one of those `Stop Bullying` wristbands. he took it away from a fat little ginger kid.
I liked you better before we met.
The only reason I keep my land line is for the eventuality that this is The Matrix.
No, whenever there`s trouble, YOU always seem to be around ... officer.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor`s house is genius.
Struggling to get your wife`s attention?.....just sit down and look comfortable.
If I was on drugs, this post would be amazing.
You chicks spend a lot of money on makeup to look pretty. Save your cash, buy him Alcohol.
Missing my childhood super-powers, when I could sleep on the couch and wake up in bed.