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Stress balls work really well when you shove them down someone`s throat.
Take mentos and freeze into ice cubes. Put the ice cubes in your friend’s drink. After five minutes their drink will randomly explode.
You`ve got to be twins. You`re too stupid to be one person.
Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don`t like being that guy holding two purses.
Unwritten Rule of the Day: Don´t make eye contact while eating a banana.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It`s like they don`t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Nothing like a brisk morning jog to start the day! Just kidding! I don`t do that.
MY 8 YEAR OLD: "Walrus testicles are called walnuts."
If cartoons can wear the same clothes everyday then so can I, dammit!
Dear women at Walmart with 6 screaming kids: if your wondering how that box of condoms got in your cart.... Your welcome!
They say you are what you eat. I don`t remember eating a sexy beast this morning...
What`s wrong with having your mind in the gutter all the time?! If it weren`t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless!!!
There is no vulnerable feeling like when you are about to sneeze ... with a mouthful of rice.
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again.
The new iPhone will have a finger print scanner. Or, in other words, Apple is about to amass the largest database of biometric data in the world. I’m sure the people of NSA are dancing like little school girls right now.