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If every social website was set up to look like a spreadsheet, pretending to work would be so much easier for me.
If you`re one in a million, there are more than 7,000 of you.
Men use love to get sex...women use sex to get love...I use coupons to get pizza!
My neighbor just spent $237.43 at the vet, that`s $1,662.01 in dog dollars.
I’m great at remembering names. I just don’t remember which one’s yours.
Ironically the only way I`d watch the 50 Shades of Grey movie is if you tied me to a chair and forced me to.
You can learn a lot from a person especially when you watch them through high powered binoculars, I`m just saying.
I don’t need a reason to do stupid things, just a venue.
Some mornings it`s best just to fill the sink with coffee, dunk you head in, and suck.
My Ex-Wife: Our relationship is like being in prison! ME: I don’t think so. People have sex in prison.
Drinking coffee is a fun way to become dependent on paying money to wake up.
My dentist said I grind at night. I was like, ok stalker.
Fact: Pornos aren`t based on actual events.
I`ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
I just did a weeks worth of cardio after I walked into a spider`s web.