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I shook the vending machine until my chips fell, so yeah, I’m a hunter-gatherer.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
eBay sellers - just because you`ve dug your suit/dress out of the back of your wardrobe doesn`t make it vintage. #JustOldAndSmelly
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Do you ever just look at a girl and instantly know she posts her daily horoscope on Facebook and quotes Marilyn Monroe?
If you eat it in the car before you get home, it never existed.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I try to live by two rules: 1. Don’t make fun of stupid people (they cant help it) 2. Don’t be stupid (people will make fun of you)
The worst thing about renting movie from a Red Box is that a $1 late fee isn’t enough motivation to get off the couch.
Why would I pay someone to scare me at a haunted house when I could just open a can of biscuits at home?
Mark my words: In a year, the leading cause of death will be “Beaten to death with a selfie stick”
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels? - Bfanch
Let this be known as my Living Will. I do not wish to be cremated. If the Zombie Apocalypse happens I would like to be a part of it.
Buy a "World`s Greatest Boss" mug and drink out of it in front of your boss.
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job.