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If you are hotter than me, wouldn’t that make me cooler than you.
If I could turn invisible I’d go to Paris and beat up a performing street mime… The amount of applause he’d get would be amazing!
Bitches be trippin..... ok, maybe I pushed that one.
This bulk box of peanuts I got from Costco tastes like styrofoam.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
There comes a time in the day, when no matter what the question, the answer is booze.
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I`m cute, I would have 1 dollar ... thanks mom.
Wow, I thought “flash mob” meant something completely different. Can someone come bail me out?
If listening to stupid people burned calories, I`d be a supermodel.
You know its a bad day when your fat pants are tight :(
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t.
It is possible to stay in your room all day and be perfectly happy.
received a call saying that my son had been lying in school, and was being expelled. I don´t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar.
The first rule of elevator club is don`t talk to other members of elevator club.
I googled "cigarette lighter" and got 150000 matches.