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United States is where moms get a day and shark get a whole week.
We live in the era of smartphones & stupid people
If our son ever decides he wants to play sports, I`ll sign up to be his coach. It`s important that he knows that I`ll swear at other kids too.
Sometimes I just go to work for the free internet.
I love that moment when I`m cruising down the highway listening to country music and I suddenly realize "wait a minute I can change the station!"
I like dating chicks with kids, because fruity snacks
It`s not cellulite, it`s my body`s way of saying "I`m sexy" ... in braille.
never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes
If everybody was consistently as determined as they are when they carry all groceries in one trip, this world would be in a better place.
I met a lady named Polly once. She didn`t care for crackers, nor my sense of humor.
The first rule of the OCD Club is to have a second rule so there is an even number of rules.
To a cop, doing donuts in a parking lot has a whole different meaning.
Hate it when I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and it’s not even in there.
Farts are like children. I`m proud of mine and disgusted by yours.
Some days I just wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.