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Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I`m hiring her as my personal trainer.
"No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk
Dating would be a lot easier if the opposite sex had a tail. That way, I could see if it was wagging or not after I did or said something.
I love everyone these days... Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others, I`d love to punch in the face...
The good thing about being 6' 6? is that if I develop a bald patch, no one will see it..Unless you’re using Google Earth.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS? EUROPE: How can we save our economy? AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Whenever you hear the phrase "Oh no he didn`t" you can rest assured that he did.
Don`t fall in love, learn how to ruin your life all by yourself.
"No! Don`t leave me! I need you! Nooooo!" I say as my laptop cords slowly slides off my bed onto the floor.
If the breakfast club took place now, all those kids would just be silently texting about their sh!tty Saturday & never make friends w/ each other.
I really wish Wal-Mart had a 10 teeth or more line...
I prefer to think outside the box because things can get very dark inside it.
I put the “Pro” in Procrastinate.
I wouldn`t say I`m a stalker so much as I am a covert observation enthusiast.