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Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I really like cake.
"Grow a pear." - How to insult an apple tree.
Empty your medicine cabinet and put another mirror in there. Scares the hell out of snooping house guests.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores? Same. But I`m in a liquor store.
It`s amazing how important someone can make you feel with a smile, a kind word or the occasional stalking.
Remember the good ole days when we had to get out of bed to use the Internet.
I did a half hour on the treadmill each day last week. This week, I`m up to 1 hour a day. I`m slowly building up to actually turning it on some time in the future.
Do good masochists go to heaven, or hell?
My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I text a lot.
If you died and went to he!l, how long will it take you to realise that you aren`t still at work?
If you are offended by the words "In God We Trust" on your money, then send it to me. I don`t mind it at all.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can`t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
I always get this dream where I`m driving in reverse ...Then I wake up and see that I`m driving normally.
Don’t get me wrong, you are hot as hell, I am just too lazy to stalk right now.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride