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Spent the morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig ? The letter F ?
My wife says "YOU`RE DRUNK!" like it is a bad thing.
Someone said to me earlier, "Your face looks very familiar". I said, "I know, I`ve had it a long time."
I just became a professional Counterfeiter, I even have the certificates to prove it.
Dear Alcohol, Will you be my valentine? ?
Just realized I have more in common with Garfield than I have with most people
What idiot decided to call them marijuana dispensaries and not grass stations?
Ever drink so much your wife makes sense? Me neither...But I keep trying
If I didn`t drink, how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
You got your chocolate in my peanut butter!
According to maxipad commercials, all women are full of blue windshield washer fluid...
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always the hardest....
You are like that one crazy wheel on a grocery cart.