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You know you`ve won the argument when the other person responds with "Whatever..."
I have a feeling my check liver light will come on this weekend
No one has ever said, "You know what would make this even better? ... Turkey bacon."
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot” ...you`re wasting everybody’s time.
OMG! A CUSTOMER ALMOST DIED IN FRONT OF ME TODAY!! But then I counted to 10 and put the scissors back in the drawer. She never even knew.
Don´t believe all the rumours you hear about me, the truth is much worse.
The weekend is just a bittersweet memory.... I won`t cry because it`s over, I`ll smile because for a few miles they believed I was the real bus driver.
I`m at my most likable before you get to know me.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don`t think it`s weird when I have jam in my hair.
“I don’t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others’ lives sounds fun!” – How I got out of jury duty
True love is biting a slice of pizza when you`re fully aware that it will burn the roof of your mouth.
I’m drinking something. I`ll give you a hint: It starts with a B and rhymes with....um..... “beer.”
Sidenote #2: Always have your middle finger ready on standby.
How come they didn`t call this years game the BUD bowl?