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Really had my heart set on waking up rich today.
If Olympic drinking was an event I would probably take gold in the floor routine.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it`s up to you.
Plot twist: name your pets after passwords.
This goes out to the person who thought of the idea to put stickers on each and every piece of fruit. "Nobody like`s your idea"
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
The synonym for `reality` is `offline`
I can’t find the words to express how I have nothing to say
I want to grow old and disgusting with you.
I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn’t hear me call shotgun.
Be careful when you`re watching a movie with your wife. You`re gonna get blamed for whatever the guy in the movie does.
Time to walk the cow and milk the dog, Happy Hump Day!
Men wear the pants in the relationship but women control the zipper.
At night I dump massive amounts of Legos on the floor in case anyone tries to rob my house bare footed.
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up -- In 30 minutes? In 3 hours? In 9 years? No one can ever be sure.