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You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks what you like to do for fun.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion, the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
United should roll out Rodeo Rewards where you get paid based on how long you are able to stay on the plane when you are chosen to volunteer.
I won the Twister contest hands-down.
When Life Gives You Lemons Don`t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don`t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?! Demand to see life`s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I`m the man who`s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I`m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
Thank God you`ve updated your status to "Finished lunch" after you first posted "Going to lunch" I really couldn`t tolerate more suspense.
You make your own luck`.. a saying most popular with lucky f*ckers
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
People go to the bar hoping for two things ... to get hammered or to get nailed.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking!
Well I just finished up some spring cleaning. Holy crap, owning a Slinky can be such a hassle.
Decided to get in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich!
If you could see what goes on inside my head, you would have nightmares for weeks!
Thought I was having deja-vu. But it turns out, I do the exact same things every day.
If I say "I don`t know, let me look", I`m really just spinning around in my chair a few times while you`re on hold.