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AA meetings would be better if AA stood for Alcohol Afterwards
Seems like my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair.
The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you dont have to mow it.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Waiter: Would u like ur coffee black sir? Me: What other colors do u have?
There are many different ways one can save energy, but my favorite by far is this recliner.
After visiting the gov`t healthcare site, I don`t know why I was so worried about their ability to spy on me...
If the Terminator was female the line would have been, “I might be back, I haven’t decided yet.”
I show my age when I`m in a club with all the 20 somethings.. Guess its because the last dance step I mastered was dancing like Gene Gene The Dancing Machine
Have you guys seen the new documentary about white trash? I only saw the trailer.
There’s always that last setting on your windshield wipers that makes you go “damn, calm the f*ck down!”
Mondays are middle finger approved
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells "CODE RED, CODE RED" really loud then people scurry like mad.
Seriously, dude...Is there a name for what`s wrong with you?
If you knew how many trips to the bathroom every phone has taken, you’d never, ever, ever, ever, ever touch somebody else’s phone. Ever.