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I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.
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Traffic jams are more tolerable if you just think of them as really boring parades.
My doctor is getting really tired of me asking if the stuff I see in commercials is right for me.
Pretty nice opinion you got there. It`d be a shame if someone were to...not give a sh*t about it
Drake isn`t even a rapper anymore. He`s an emotion, like "how are you doing today?" "idk im feeling kinda drake though"
I think instead of doing laundry I`m just going to buy a second hamper...
When I get a headache, I take 2 aspirins and keep away from children, just like the bottle says.
Unless you fell on the treadmill, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
If I were Noah, Iโd be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
The best part of my divorce was how I woke up and I hadn`t done anything wrong
So apparently the security guard at Kroger didn`t believe that life gave me that lemon.
I`m so old, I remember when the internet didn`t have commercials.
Not every flower can say love, but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus did. Not every dummy can read, but look at you go...... *high 5*
Wouldn`t ventriloquists be a lot cooler if they could throw their farts?