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Financial status: I hope United Airlines drags me off my flight
I don’t care if it’s 4 A.M. I don’t consider it “tomorrow” until I wake up.
My method of going "offline" in FB chat is to simply ignore you.
This beer tastes like future mistakes.
The person that named the eggplant probably isn’t allowed to name things anymore.
"Dora" only rhymes with "Explorer" if you`re from Long Island, New York
A "Lifetime Movie" describes how long it felt when you were watching it.
If you were born after 1990, you will never know the frustration of having to rewind your parents porn tapes to the exact same spot...
Lasagna is just spaghetti flavored cake.
You’re one of those women that my mom warned me about…Here’s my number.
Secret Web Cam Test: Please nod your head yes if you can read this.
Even if gas prices go down, I´m still going to siphon gas from my neighbor´s car because I like the adrenaline rush and he´s an a$$hole
Today feels like a stay in bed, pull the blankets over your head, and pretend you`re on an adventure in a kangaroo`s pouch type of day
Congratulations on becoming a homeowner! From now on, every noise you hear will cost you money.
Can you LIKE this status with your elbow? (no cheating)