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The high cost of livin ain`t nothin like the cost of livin high
Sorry I`m late, the floor was lava
The only thing I love more than cake is cakes.
My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure.
great day! laundry done, dishes and house cleaned.... who am I kidding? been drinking since 9 am!!
Hey NSA, we all know you`re there now. So click the approve on my Candy Crush ticket request.
“It would take too long to explain…” Translated: “I have no idea how it works.”
I`m hosting a wine tasting event in my home. Well, it`s not really an event. It`s just me and three bottles of wine. No one else is invited.
Going to one of those places where you chop down your own Christmas tree, and then try to get away before they catch you.
I do marathons ... on Netflix.
How come the voices inside of a crazy person`s head never say shit like "hey, go to the gym" or "hey, cure cancer" or "hey, don`t be crazy"?
I would just like to personal thank all the people in my life that have caused me so many problems, for making me the as$ I am today!
Note to future self: Tequila is a liar. You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Every woman thinks her husband is a moron. And they’re absolutely right because smart men don’t get married.
Remember when you thought you’d have it all together by the time you were the age you are now? LOL