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One quality I`m not looking for in a partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm. #FarmVille
if there wasn´t a last minute I´d never get anything done.
You will never be happier than a girl who just discovered her dress has pockets.
My therapist says I have imposter syndrome. But come on, I`m not good enough to have something fancy like that.
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress just so that I’d have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
Takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do ...
My door bell is a recording of a shotgun being racked.
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain
I’ve got bad news: Today is not Friday, Tomorrow is not Friday, Even the day after tomorrow is not Friday.
Thanksgiving advice: Sit at the kids table for as many years as possible.
Not that I expect 100% truth in advertising, but shouldn’t those women in the tampon commercials be wielding chainsaws and burning stuff down, not laughing and dancing?
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
That moment when you have so many things to do...So you decide to take a nap instead!
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Asked my wife if she would be my friend on FB again, she said no. She said my “funny” status updates are annoying. Therefore, I must conclude she loves me for my body...