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My Therapist told me not to drink while I`m on my Meds but little does she know...I`ve been off my Meds for almost a week now!
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
Teenage girls hang out in odd numbered groups because they literally can`t even.
You know what’s funnier than watching someone trip and fall? Absolutely nothing!
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best-looking guy in the world, but,....Oh,hell. Now I`m depressed.
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
I was late to work because I was having car trouble. And by car trouble I mean I was sleeping and not driving the car.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
It might look like I`m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I`m quite busy.
I honestly don’t care if you think I’m crazy. You’re just a figment of my imagination anyway.
If money can’t buy happiness explain pizza.
The trouble with living alone is that it`s always my turn to do dishes.
I live for those really small but special moments in life, like when I see the waiter bringing my food to the table.
Experience with women has taught me that Jack was most likely pushed down the hill.
I surveyed 100 women on what shampoo they prefer while showering 95% said How the hell did you get in here!!!