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The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
If my superpower was to be able to stop time, I`d totally use it to take a nap without people noticing.
Porn is so unrealistic. There`s no way a guy with a ponytail could have a house that nice.
To drink, or not to drink?...what a stupid question!
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy
Bring me the heads of my enemies!! or some cupcakes ... whichever.
Life gets a lot easier once you decide to become part of the problem.
Hmmm… Who should I stalk on Facebook now? :)
The generation of today are so allergic to everything, future wars will be fought by throwing bags of peanuts and cat hair at each other.
I hate when people call me and ask "WHO IS THIS?"
Some people just bring out the psycho in me
Before coffee: Hates everybody. After coffee: Feels good about hating everybody.
At any given time my wallet is worth more than its contents.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Sometimes I send status updates from my phone so it looks like I left the house.