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Receptionist: "The doctor will see you now." Invisible Man: "Finally, a cure!"
Beheaded our snowman to let winter know we mean business.
I`m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Have you ever wondered what a job application at Hooters is like? Maybe they just give you a bra and say, “here, fill this out”.
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no money in there.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That`s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
The good thing about "poking" on Facebook, no babies are created.
If you think nobody cares if you´re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
I never run with scissors…those last two words were unnecessary.
My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.
If you`re confident enough, every zoo is a petting zoo.
Honey, You really don`t need to drive me crazy, I am close enough to walk.
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!
Trying to remain humble but I’m the most famous person in my living room right now.
If nobody comes from the future to stop you, how bad can the decision really be?