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3 things I will never understand: 1. The meaning of life. 2. The universe. 3. How Spongebob & Patrick made those sounds effects in that box.
I`ve got to remember to tie a string around my finger!
The thing about smart mother f*ckers is... They sound like crazy mother f*ckers to dumb mother f*ckers!
Was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn`t the right answer...
Just finished my first book yesterday. 450 pages. Man, that was a lot of coloring...
Ladies, don`t say that men never listen... We can tell you every word of what was said during an NFL pregame or in-game broadcast.
You can tell a lot from a woman by her hands. For instance, if they`re placed around your throat she`s probably slightly upset.
What if cell phones are part of an elaborate plot to rid the world of phone booths so Superman has nowhere to change?
It’s like I wanna be left alone but I still want people to notice my absence, you know.
I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you... the more you have the longer you live.
"You clean up nicely", is just a polite way of saying, "You usually look like sh!t."
My wife says I should use the term "make love" instead of "f*ck.". What the make love is she talking about?
Every time I see a pregnant woman, I very much want to ask if she swallowed a watermelon seed.
Here`s a crazy trick to avoid looking fat in pictures: Lose weight.
Black holes must be where God divided by zero.