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LIFE TIP: The early worm gets dismembered, and eaten alive!
It is days like today that I am glad that we all don`t live in a Yellow Submarine. Well at least not in the same one.
No one is more confident than a drunk girl wearing a guy’s hat sideways.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: pfft. I could think of like fifty reasons, I’m not falling for that.
Women`s magazines are so funny. 1: You`re beautiful and perfect just the way you are! 2: How to lose 20 pounds in 10 days.
I don`t care about your choice in politics, religion, or taste in music... I judge you simply based on football team preference
If you think I wrote this status update in the nude, you`re wrong. I`m wearing a sombrero and a candy necklace.
I once had the desire to do something worthwhile with my life. Then I discovered naps.
Had a super busy day today converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
Whenever someone says to me “Things could be worse” I punch them in the face and say “Like that?”
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else...
Ladies, wonder if he`s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Rabbits jump & they live for 8 yrs. Dogs run & they live for 15 yrs. Turtles don`t do anything & they live for 150 years. LESSON LEARNED!
My problem has always been a Constipated Brain and my mouth has the Runs.......
Rich people have rehab. Poor people have jail.