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Ahhh another Monday at work...... I`m having as much fun as a colorblind person playing Twister!
My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ... I sent it anyways.
"I love Justin bieber" well I love McDonalds but you don`t see me making an account pretending to be a f*cking chicken nugget do you...
Next time you take your dog for a walk pretend he`s solving a mystery.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it`s a good thing I never had kids. Or did I?
If you have a tattoo on your face, you`ve lost the right to ask me what I`m looking at.
When a woman says, "I`m NOT crazy" *clapping her palms together per syllable* That`s universal for, "You`re going to die."
Fitness nuts have to do an entire marathon to feel a runner`s high..... I just have to bend over and tie my shoes.
In an alternate universe somewhere, all the ducks are making white girl faces.
There may be two sides to every story, but you’re still a douche in both of them.
A man is as faithful as his options
I knew we were gonna be friends when you ran into that wall.
If money can’t buy happiness explain pizza.
I like to think all pizzas are personal pizzas.
Do a little dance... Drink a lot of rum... Fall down tonight...