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Spoiler alert: this milk expired five days ago
Who the hell is Pete, and why do we do things for his sake?
The amount of people who confuse "to" and "too" is amazing two me.
Some people, even in photos, just look like they smell horrible.
Progress is made by lazy people looking for an easier way to do things
Ladies, if he calls you crazy, don`t get upset. Crazy girls are better in bed so take it as a compliment. But stab him, just in case...
I`m out of bacon. This is my suicide note.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years? Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Everyday I run into someone who pushes me past the limits of my medication.
An ex asking to stay friends after you break up is like a kidnapper asking to stay in touch after they let you go.
I have problems cleaning my house because I get distracted by all the fun things I find.
I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I`m not an actor.
It`s all shits and giggles till someone giggles and shits
take it easy and if it is easy take it home
It’s so nice outside I should probably close the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen.