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Today would be a great day to leave a note on a random car that says "I know what you did".
Is it polite or rude to slide a note into the bathroom stall next to you that says, "heard you farting but it`s ok you`re in the right place :)"
Today I seek some truth and fulfilment but I’ll settle for some bacon.
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their keys.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel... It was 3 weeks from tomorrow.
If I was a funeral director, I would tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.Then the zombie apocalypse would be hilarious.
"Of course you`re the prettiest girl here, you just need to talk louder" - alcohol
I got in the shower with my slippers still on this morning. Is this the start of dementia or the continuum of stupidity I wonder?
The closest I`ve come to being an athlete is using Adobe Acrobat.
I wonder whether I can trust doctors with dead plants in the waiting room.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I`m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
My wife and I are pretty upset. It looks like someone broke in and surfed porn on my computer. They didn`t touch anything else, so that`s good.
Sometimes I think "Screw this ... I`ll just be a stripper!"
If banks were as fiercely regulated as McDonalds breakfast cut off time, there’d be no problems.
I`m not real excited that the wrapping on my toilet paper said `100% Recycled`.