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The symptoms of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea and stomach pains. Kind of like when I see my wife going thru my phone.
Exercise... the poor person`s plastic surgery
Relationships are like batteries, they have a positive & a negative side. And you end up whacking your remote instead of changing them.
Writing "Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???" on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
I don`t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
If I had a dollar for everytime I was distracted, look squirrel!
Finally down to my pre-pregnancy/pre-kids weight...well...before my wife had kids I mean.
Oh honey, you`re not pretty enough to be that stupid
People who don`t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Spice up your Facebook experience by making your status updates your google searches.
This relationship is going to be weird if you keep pretending I`m not your boyfriend.
I don`t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Ever notice that no one ever has three cats? They either have one or two cats, then it jumps to 17.
Coffee shops should have a separate line for people who are late for work.
I really have to stop using this little microphone on my phone that types whatever you say as it keeps making mistakes punctuation point