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I’m not drunk, I’m just exhausted from drinking all night.
It’s the getting ahead that I’m running behind on.
The naked truth is better, than d dressed-up lie :) Aa
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes...
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it’s only Thursday.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
It`s weird how after they couldn`t put Humpty Dumpty back together the King`s men were like "Let`s give the horses a shot at it"
Would you be a deer and run out in front of my car for me?
Big shout-out to slugs! Those little guys are out there everyday, doing all the same stuff as snails but without helmets.
Well ... here I am ... cleverly disguised as a responsible adult!
Say what you want about the porn industry. But they are hard workers.
If I keep hitting the treadmill like I do every night, in a few weeks maybe I`ll learn to turn on the light when I get up to pee in the dark
Arguing in sign language must be a workout.
Bad decisions make good stories.