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I always knew that one day I`d end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn`t expect everyone to keep on bowling...
My friend wants to know if you think I’m hot.
I bought one of the "Books for Dummies" for 50% off, but I needed help to figure out what the price was.
Perhaps we should hold elections on the last Friday of November, with polling stations at Walmart, Target and Apple
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? ;)
The generation of today are so allergic to everything, future wars will be fought by throwing bags of peanuts and cat hair at each other.
"I`d hit that!" -Helpful blackjack dealer
There`s no way to gracefully remove a jacket while wearing a seatbelt...
It`s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
At a wedding reception I recently attended someone said, "All the married men please stand next to the person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
Don`t get me wrong, Chinese food is amazing. But I`ll be damned if they expect me to believe that a chicken fried this rice.
I`m absolutely nailing this "I give a sh!t" face today!
There’s a police helicopter above my house right now, so I’m cashing in and calling everyone who has ever said “when pigs fly.”
Can you imagine if Facebook and Twitter just decided to shut down and you see all these confused people coming out of their house squinting at the sun.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.