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"Check, please!" - Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back in my toy chest..
Often, when I am reading a good book I stop and thank my teacher. Well, I used to. Until she got that restraining order.
I really would like to take a yoga class. But I really can`t trust my farts.
“Nevermind.” Translation... You should’ve listened the first time.
I remember when going viral meant having to tell several people they better get tested.
If you have alphabet fridge magnets, and morals. You probably shouldn`t invite me over.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is. She`s not dead, just very condescending.
I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language made entirely out of tattoos.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend.......who`s in with me?
Stealing other people`s statuses on Facebook is called a Facelift.
I got a new high score today ... Sadly, it was on my bathroom scale
I`m not lazy... I`m in energy saving mode.
Halloween is great because kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal