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I took a sexual harassment course yesterday...I think I`m going to be pretty good at it.
I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.
Goodnight friends, strangers, pervs, weirdos and a$$holes, and anybody else I left out.
I just let my mind wander, but it didn’t come back yet.
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say “Give me the dumbest thing you can think of.”
“Oh boy, I can’t wait to be productive today.” – said no one ever
If A-B-C-D didn’t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn’t have to be so rushed.
I told my girlfriend I`m Harry Potter`s Godfather... She laughed hard and said "you can`t be Sirius"
I was being taught to use some machinery today, and I was quizzed as to the rules of it`s use. When asked what the first rule is I responded, "You do not talk about Fight Club."
More people would drink responsibly if there was a brand of beer named Responsibly.
In retrospect, replying "Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory", probably wasn`t the best way to respond to my therapist.
I will never forget the day when she said yes to me because that was the last time we agreed on anything.
The realization that Netflix knows me better than my closest friends....
Noise canceling toilets should be a thing.
My ex-girlfriend broke up with me because she says I was obsessed with football. I was shocked. I mean we were together for 3 1/2 seasons.