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ALCOHOL - Because no good story ever started with someone drinking a glass of orange juice.
Farts are just the ghosts of the things we eat.
I`ve been spending so much time on Facebook, that I forgot the internet has porn.
The right man breaks your headboard, not your heart.
People with jobs: It`s Friday!!! People without jobs: It`s Friday?
Do you guys know there are "actual" people out there that don`t have a Facebook account? What the hell do they do all day?
Never compliment a woman on her sideburns ... no matter how magnificent they look.
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
I will be good today... I will be good today... I will be good today... Yeah.... I didn`t believe it either..
you know it`s a good fart when it wakes you from a dead sleep and you pull a butt muscle at the same time.
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the hell are you doing?
Not many people can say their Batman wallet matches their underwear like I can.
My Tupperware lids and single socks are chilling somewhere laughing at me.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
There`s no use worrying about things you can`t control. And the good news is, that`s pretty much everything.