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Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors house, they`re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
This town has more white trash in it than a dumpster behind a paper plate factory
"Thanks for coming" - sperm bank receptionist.
Sometimes you have got to talk to a 3year old toddler in order to understand the meaning of happiness in life.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
As a child, my mom told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
Getting my kids to the airport always feels like I`m recreating the first 10 minutes of "Home Alone."
I was enjoying our conversation. Until you started talking....
It`s not karma, you`re just an idiot.
I used to think I was overreacting. Now I realize it was a normal reaction to an abnormal amount of bullsh!t.
I don`t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you`re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year`s party, hope you had fun dude.
50 years ago you had to get really f*cking drunk to drop your phone in a urinal.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at him.