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GF: Does this dress make my a$$ look big? BF: Nope Your A$$ makes the dress look big.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
I hate when its dark and my brain is like “Hey you know what we haven’t thought of in a while?” Monsters.
Please don`t post pictures of cats on my FB wall. I am allergic.
I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and Facebook.
I don`t have ADD. It`s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
If at first you don`t succeed, you should have done it my way in the first place.
I hope someone drives slightly slower in front of you on a crowded highway and you can’t pass.
When someone shows you they don`t want to be a part of your life, let them go. I`m not saying you can`t make a voodoo doll of them, though.
didn`t get much sleep last night, I tried counting sheep but they kept cutting in line, confused the hell outta me!!
Somewhere out there is a guy named Joe whose greatest achievement is that he was a really sloppy eater.
Ghetto word of the day: "Bishop", My girlfriend fell down, So I picked that bishop.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule
The best way to get over someone is probably with your car
Never underestimate a woman`s ability to make you feel responsible and guilty for her mistakes.