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Been waiting at the pub for my wife to pick me up for hours now. How long does it take to have a baby, for Christs sake.
Relationships are like yard sales... They look good from a distance but you get there & realize its just a bunch of sh!t you dont need.
Sanity is so overrated. I mean, it`s a nice place to visit, but I wouldn`t want to live there....
I advise you...don`t mess with me, I know karate, kung fu,judo, tae kwon do, jujitsu, and 28 other dangerous words.
One of the major benefits of using a combined 2 in 1 shampoo/conditioner is having enough room leftover on the shower caddy for the beer.
Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.
Gyms are full of people that haven`t found the right couch.
Imagine taking your girlfriend to your friends house for the 1st time, and her phone automatically connects to his password protected wifi.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Fast way to mess up someones Knock Knock joke? "It`s open."
I am really thankful that I have a desk job. I could never get all my personal stuff done at home.
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg, and some days you`re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
My parents say I was an unplanned child, which probably explains why my life isn`t going to plan.
All I want is to see you smile...that and maybe a pizza.
If your day was that bad, why do you assume we want to know about it?