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Fun Fact: A pizza will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my GF how her day was.
I think the only way I`ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I`m in prison.
Whenever someone says, "Have a good one." I always respond with, "I have a good one, I just wish it were longer."
Dear life, I`ve had enough bullsh!t to last a while. Can we take a little break please.
Currently helping my son look for his chocolate that I ate last night.
I`m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out. We are going to watch tv.
My kids are always accusing me of having a "favorite child" which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
that akward moment when you finish doing your thing in the toilet and you realise there is no tissue
I`ve been working with this alcohol free program for like six months and it`s really taken a toll on me ... I mean, I`m broke and as far as I`m concerned, they can buy their own alcohol.
What idiot named it a mugshot instead of a cellfie?
Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.
Whether a Vacuum is on or off, it`s always collecting dust.
Chuck E Cheese: Because it`s never too early to introduce your children to gambling and bad nutrition.
I googled "cigarette lighter" and got 150000 matches.