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Breaking News: Tuesdays suck just as much as Mondays.
I lent my girlfriend ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now she left me and I don’t know what she looks like.
Since my girlfriend has gotten pregnant alot has changed... Like my name, address and telephone number.
Sometimes I get nervous I haven`t done anything with my life. But then something good comes on TV, and I`m OK.
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I’d say it’s been a success.
Statistics show that 3 out of 5 people.. aren`t the other 2.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
ah... Crocs the 21st century version of the chastity belt
That awkward moment when you’re yelling at someone and you mess up a word.
One of my female friend is reading a book called "Learn to drive in a week" for the last 3 years.
If anyone is interested, I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 1:00 PM until I’m escorted out by security.
I got in touch with my inner child and the little sh!t hung up on me.
Everyone hates performance enhancing drugs. Yet, everyone loves Captain America.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody`s there to appreciate it.
While it was raining today, I thought for fun I would run out there and scream "I`m melting I`m melting!"