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You know what’s funnier than watching someone trip and fall? Absolutely nothing!
I read an actual newspaper today! For those of you who don`t understand, a newspaper is like the Internet but made of paper.
Everyone wants you to "be honest" until you tell them how much they suck.
I hate when I’m comfortable in bed and I forget my iPhone in the other room!
I am addicted to Cold Turkey. Not sure how I will ever quit that one.
It`s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
People who wait 4 hours to reply to my text with "lol" should be shot.
I will always be here for you. Unless we run out of beer and someone has some over there. Then I will be over there for you.
Hey bill collectors, nice try, but I don`t even call back people I know.
People who actually rate porn videos are the unsung heroes of our generation.
I never fail to win at Rock, Paper, Scissors when I pick up the other person and throw them out the window.
Nobody wished me a happy birthday today, which isn´t surprising really, since it isn´t my birthday.
Every pair of panties can be a thong if your a$$ is big enough.
Don`t sell yourself short, in fact, don`t sell yourself at all. I`m pretty sure it`s illegal
Kinda funny how the Mayans said we were all gonna die in 2012, but they all disappeared way before us.