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Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "klondike bar".
On the subject of sex, my parents told me `the man goes on top, and the woman underneath.` No wonder I got divorced. For 3 years my ex-wife and I slept in bunk beds.
My kids keep bugging me about dinner, even after I keep telling them I already ate.
I’m giving up on the silent treatment. ...Going to start talking to myself again.
Some things are better left unsaid, but I`m probably gonna get drunk and say them anyway.
FB friends, no one gives a ratsass what concerts you went to...
Why do people say “nice to meet you” before I’ve even said anything? How do you know it’s nice to meet me? I’m a jerk.
I hate it when my cat leaves a dead Smart Car on my doorstep.
The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey....Oh, by the way... I`m calling myself "the doctor" now.
I really think there should be a separate driving lane for those of us running solely on caffeine and rage.
I`ve got a Tootsie Pop and seven hours until the aviary notices their Spotted Owl is missing. Let`s do this!
I`m going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
Has anyone else ever noticed that the word therapist spells, "the rapist," when split into 2 words?
Step aside coffee… this is a job for booze.
I believe in living every day like it`s my last day, and on my last day, I plan to take it easy.