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For all the taxes they take out of my paycheck they should at least send me a picture of the broke ass family I support to hang on my fridge.
I don’t like being told what to do unless I’m naked.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I`m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. "Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you."
You had me at "I hate that b!tch too".
I`m at the age where an "all-nighter" just means I didn`t have to get up to pee.
I don`t understand those couples that fight and a minute later change their facebook status to "single." I fight with my parents but you don`t see me change my status to "orphan."
is not impatient. I just patient really fast.
Lately I`ve been convinced that some people were born solely for purpose of eventually pissing me off...
Thinking of opening a bar right next to a gym and call it “Decisions, Decisions”.
When I first went on the pill, I put on some weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Stop Instagramming words. I`m not following you for your thoughts. Take off your f*cking shirt.
COLLEGE STUDENTS: if you`re looking for a job, your career center lists thousands of openings you don`t have enough experience for.
I made the mistake of asking Siri what women want....she has been talking non-stop for the last 3 days.
I`m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I`ve been to in the last week that`s had "insufficient funds".