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Change of plans everyone: NOBODY Wang Chung tonight.
At this point I`m guessing the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they completely lost their minds
When your girlfriend says do what ever you want. Do not do what ever you want!
Three weeks without a signal typo!
Get real. No one’s going to form a single line if the building’s on FIRE.
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around. Observe them. Write down notes.
A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
If I had a nickel for everytime I said, "If I had a nickel", I`d be rich.
The best part about being over 40 is we did most of our stupid stuff before the internet.
The differance between flirting and sexual harrassment ... If you`re attrative, it`s flirting.
Having a 14 year old has made me realize why some species eat their young.
I don`t get nearly enough credit for managing not to be a violent psychopath
I dont mind going to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is bullsh*t
People go on and on about the length of Subway`s sandwiches but how come nobody talks about their girth?