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My New Years resolutions are just a list of mixed drinks I haven`t tried yet.
I try to avoid nice people, so they can stay that way.
When I say “the other day” I could mean yesterday or 5 years ago there’s no in between.
It’s called karma, and it’s pronounced “haha! Screw you!”
Video games are cool because they let you experience fantastical power-fantasies. for example in The SIMS you have a job and a house.
For the first time in my years of working I have been hard at work all day......dammm those pills!!!!
When I go to someone’s house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don’t like visitors.
New Years - the only day where its socially acceptable to drink this early.
I got a letter in the mail saying I was pre-approved for a Walmart Credit Card. Not sure if I should be honored or ashamed.
The only F word out a woman`s mouth that scares me is "fine."
If you want people to know where you stand, wear the same socks for a week
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don`t have to shovel snow this weekend.
I`ve decided!! I’m giving up my New Years resolutions for Lent.
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, Knock over a lamp, and kill a cat.
We all just sat there and watched as Pepe Le Pew tried to rape that cat. Shame on us.