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I know a lot of women who should substitute their lipstick with glue sticks.
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb
Times change When I was a kid, werewolves and vampires were very scary. Now everyone wants to have sex with them
Men are like cheap dishes - easily broken & completely replaceable!
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
I live for two reasons. 1) I was born. 2) I haven`t died yet.
I don`t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
I`m worried that my guardian angel is a crack head.
Some people are like rain clouds. Once they f*ck off, it`s a beautiful day.
I`m having a problem in Call Of Duty, I go to the menu and... ok by now the girls have stopped reading this, anyone know any good porn sites?
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming for their lives like the passengers in the back of his truck
Whenever a buddy of mine wants to borrow something, I remind them that everything I own has touched my balls.
Did the Energizer Bunny finally stop going and going, and none of us even noticed it?
Facebook should make it to where it says, `Went from being in a relationship` to `Problem solved.`
For our next trick, we should hack into North Korea`s TV system and put Jersey Shore on repeat...