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Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors house, they`re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Me: You`ve dimmed the lights already, aren`t we forward? * smiles suggestively * Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Is it bad that "WINE" is always on my grocery list? At the top? In all caps?
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you`re better off staying home with no pants on.
My dad always used to say, "The sky`s the limit!" Which is probably why he got fired from his job at NASA.
If you don’t count any of my failures, I’m quite successful.
A lot of guys get married just because they`re hungry.
Instead of `What`s on your mind?` Facebook should say `Just relax on the couch and tell me all about your problems. Don`t worry, nobody will know`..
"You clean up nicely", is just a polite way of saying, "You usually look like sh!t."
If you pour two beers into one glass, it becomes just one beer.
A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Whoever said "What goes around, comes around", never passed around a bag of Doritos......................
I don`t always do a lot, but I put a lot of thought into it.
Spank me once, shame on you. Spank me twice, now we`re getting somewhere.
I found a penny today that reminded me of you. Totally worthless and always in a stranger`s pants.