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One of these days I`m going to get help for my procrastination problem.
I tried being awesome today, but I was just so tired from being awesome yesterday.
"Hot singles in your area want nothing to do with you." -Honest spam
Don´t believe all the rumours you hear about me, the truth is much worse.
I`m not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your Gummy Bears while you were in the bathroom.
Someone asked me today if ive ever been with two women at the same time. But why would I want to disappoint two women at the same time?
We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.
Worrying: a waste of imagination.
If life is unfair to everyone, doesn`t that make life fair?
Most days the best thing about my job is that my chair spins
This is a lousy dating site.
No Shirt No Shoes No Service. What about pants?
Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It`s like a tattoo that yells at you.
Releasing a long silent fart as I walk through first class on the way to my economy seat is definitely my favorite part of boarding an aircraft.
The voices in my head are not real, but they have good ideas.