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I don`t like surprises so, I never open my Electric Bill or my Bank Statement.
Karaoke bars combine two of the worlds greatest evils—people who shouldn`t drink with people who shouldn`t sing.
This day is only a margarita away from being a good one.
It`s only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.
Of course you look good; I don`t have ugly friends.
A night of insomnia is usually followed by a morning of browser history clearing
I don`t see the point of sex if the neighbours don`t hear it.
Some of the best moments in life are the ones you can’t tell anyone about.
And then I was all: “I’m really getting sick of your shit, bitch.” And then she was all: “To speak with a representative please press 7.”
Whenever my son questions my knowledge on any subject, I just remind him that I`m older than the Internet.
Why is it always "I see you drank all the beer today!" instead of, "Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator."
Somebody told me I`m horrible with names.
Sometimes words are not enough. That`s why I always like to keep a baseball bat with me, just in case...
You never really know if you`re over someone until you`re in the car and they`re in the crosswalk.
I want to live in a world where it’s never too late for breakfast food and never too early for pizza.