Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
New Rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I am guaranteed at least one attempt at trying to trip you.
Bologna sandwiches are parents way of saying... it`s my legal obligation to feed you something.
Time heals all wounds...unless it`s infected or gangrene or something then time makes it worse.
You poor thing. You don`t even realize you`re batsh!t crazy, do you?
I just gave my ex a big hug which can only mean one thing. That`s right I have the flu and I love sharing.
Doctor: How`s your headache? Patient: She`s out of town.
That awkward moment when you try to zoom in on Instagram and remember that you’re an idiot.
Every-time I run I hear Mario Brothers theme song in my head, and look for things to jump over.
Don`t be scared of the government shutdown, liquor stores are run by the states.
If you drink enough tonight, you won`t have to lie when you call in sick tomorrow.
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose beer.
You know you had an interesting day when your Google search history includes "rubber panda".
My wife told me I have to quit playing poker all the time but I think she`s bluffing...
Intelligence is like underwear. It`s important that you have it but there`s no need to show it off.
I will admit, my statuses sound a bit different when read aloud by the prosecuting attorney.