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New Rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I am guaranteed at least one attempt at trying to trip you.
Marriage (Possible side effects may include sadness, anger, sudden drop in finances, depression, sexual abstinence, and sobriety)
MISSED CONNECTION: I gave you the Heimlich maneuver on Maine St. You insisted you weren’t choking and put up a good fight.
Whenever I lock a car up I always press the button twice in a row to let all nearby thieves know that I mean business.
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "klondike bar".
Rapper; "I`m killing them snitches, smacking then bitches, smokin blunts and f*ckin hoes!" *wins award* Rapper: "I just wanna thank god.."
Dear Costumer Service: I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to you?
Nothing tests that whole "for better or worse" thing like the question "does this look infected?"
My co workers put cookies on my desk, like they`re leaving a sacrifice for an angry god.
I broke my finger today. But on the other hand I`m fine.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you - Step 1. She is
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70`s when Grease came out to notice that every "student" at Rydell High looked like they were 35
This oatmeal tastes like I`m gonna need a doughnut.
I hung a horseshoe above the door for goodluck ... My wife still came home ... Superstitions are stupid.
OMG, what a day I had. If Monday was a guy, I`d punch him in the throat!