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Women can walk around all day long in a bikini, but God forbid if you see them in their bras and panties. I will never comprehend this.
Be friend with stupid people.., feel like genius all the time
Sunglasses: I don’t want to make awkward eye contact with certain people.
*Gets absolutely nothing done*… Welp time for a break.
Excessive consumption of alcohol seems like a good idea.
How do you people have the time to hate a stranger on the internet?
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there.
It`s tax season. Anyone have some spare kids?
Remember this when you are drunk: You can`t fall off the floor.
My favorite thing about working out is the part where I decide not to.
Clapping: Repeatedly high-fiving yourself for someone else`s accomplishments.
“Let’s eat, get drunk and watch people exercise” – sports fans
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. "Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs"
morning i hate girls evening i need girls