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All my biological clock does, is let me know when it`s time to eat again
That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can`t figure out which one the music is coming from.
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
If I`ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.
The queen honey bee has up to 40 sexual partners a day, just like your ex.
I was going to get married, but my wife refuses to sign the divorce papers
The smaller the town, the bigger the sex cult.
The guy who used to proofread Hitler`s speeches was the first grammar Nazi.
I try to live each day like it`s my last, which is why I rarely have clean socks. Who wants to wash socks on the last day of their life?
Walmartians: Nothing says `FML` like these curious abominations of the shopping world.
Dear McDonalds cashier, Don`t give me that look, there`s no age limit on a happy meal. Sincerely, don`t forget the toy b!tch.
You`re only young once but you can be immature forever!
Sorry I poked you all over your body, but I was just looking for the off button.
I went to the store to buy some comdoms and the cashier asked me If I needed a bag ? "I replied No she`s not that ugly"
Good thing I got a college degree I think as I put away the kid toys for the 49 billionth time