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When I said make yourself at home, I meant go wash my dishes.
If ignorance really was bliss we`d have a lot more really happy people around here.
I stepped on the scale today. Not to get my weight. I just couldn`t reach the cookies in the cupboard.
Upside to hurricanes... you might get a free boat delivered to your front yard.
Just found out my daughter`s super power is repeating what I`ve said about others as soon as she meets them.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks.So if you`re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
I was the kid my parents warned me about.
Haircuts are great because I did none of the work but get all of the credit.
I wonder how many people read my statuses and say `I hope he`s getting professional help`?
My doctor said I need to workout with dumb-bells. Would any of you like to go jogging with me?
So Apple is gonna buy Beats by Dr. Dre... I guess "an apple a day keeps the doctor away" doesn`t apply to technology?
Do you have neighbors?.. Do you have extension cords?..... Are you paying too much for electricity?
The beeping noise from microwave is always 100x’s louder at night.
DiGiorno should start delivering, just to screw with people.