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Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate.
Some days I’d like to take a chainsaw and cut a few branches off my family tree.
Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.
My train of thought is loco, no motive.
When I say "It’s a long story" It usually means I just don’t want to tell you it.
I wasn`t planning on giving Christmas gifts this year until I heard about those exploding Samsung G7 Note phones.
A man in front of me at Walmart is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life he wishes she had sent him for tampons!
I`m gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks ... to the alligators.
You can run from your problems. Unless your problem is a cheetah.
I slept on the sofa last night which is weird because I`m not even married.
i hate it when other people hate the person i hate!!!
The awkward moment when people think you`re drunk when in fact you`re just a blast naturally.
I just went dumpster diving.. and hit the mother load. Tons of dude gear and tools! It smelled of angry white woman.
Sleep is like a time machine to breakfast.