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Where do suicide bombers go when they die? Everywhere.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life`s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Getting out of bed was my worst mistake today.
It is amazing how a nice pair of boobs can hide serious flaws and signs of mental illness until after you marry them!
Dog Found: Now we are bros, so he`s staying. Don`t call, don`t make it weird.
When I die I want my body donated to science, but more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life…
Helpful Tip: When your wife ask whats on TV, don`t say dust.
So another day has come and gone and I still haven`t used algebra
Ebay is really getting worse and worse to use. Yesterday I searched for a cigarette lighter. I got 3,974, 601 matches...
It`s normally a combination of things that cause bad decisions. The tequila, lime, salt combination is the most common.
Really close to my perfect target weight. All I need now is one more stomach flu
I am not particularly bad at cooking but how long is pasta supposed to stay in the toaster ?
Man, the first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.
You know that look women get when they want sex ? ..........me neither.