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Beheaded our snowman to let winter know we mean business.
Look up from your phone… There’s some life going on around you.
How many calories does swearing like a motherf*cker burn?
i feel naked without my mobile !
Football Logic: Your team won: Celebrate with beers! Your team lost: Better drown my sorrows in some beer.
If you don’t like being tailgated then don’t play movies I like.
My daily routine: Wake up, be awesome, go back to sleep.
The problem with this generation boils down to this one thing: Their cartoons suck.
Wow, I didn`t know my ex was into orgies until I saw the ad on Craig`s list I just posted.
Pro Tip: If you knock on the door to a bathroom stall and someone says "one second," wait more than one second before entering.
I need a six month vacation Twice a year.
I have decided to follow my dreams.....starting with that one where I am naked at work.
Good news everyone – my proctologist called and all the tests were negative. Bad news - his ring is missing...
Just got done putting up all the garage sale signs. Hope the neighbor appreciates how much work I put into their surprise garage sale.
Sex Is Like Math: Add The Bed, Subtract The Clothes, Divide The Legs, And Pray To God You Don`t Multiply!