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Me, watching the Olympics: "That was impressive." Announcer: "ANOTHER DISASTROUS MISTAKE!"
We`ve all been talking about your paranoia.
I hope someone I hate hears their first Christmas song this year in October.
The WWF advert asks, “When the ice goes, where do the polar bears go?” ... Well, swimming, I suppose.
Guy tip of the day: To avoid arguments about the toilet seat, use the sink...
Nice try, St. Patrick`s Day, but I don`t need a reason to drink.
Lets not kid ourselves, if the zombie apocalypse broke out, there are a couple people we would swear were zombies so we could shoot them
yes I have a dirty mind, and yes you are in it...
Most people don’t act stupid – it’s the real thing.
Curious that it`s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
I know its true love when I like you even when I`m sober.
Accidentally missed the freeway exit for home, now I`m heading north to start a new life.
Darn right I’m good in bed. ...I can sleep for days.
Saw a brand new Prius totaled on my way home from work. Still had the window sticker. That would suck... Not to crash, but to drive a Prius.
It was so cold out today i actually saw a few gangsters with their pants pulled up.