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Who says nothing is impossible. I´ve been doing nothing for years.
I sent one of those swabs off for DNA sampling. Apparently, I`m 50% Crest, 25% Denture fixative, 13% kebab, and 12% Rum.
I don`t think I could love any person as much as I love BACON... Mmmmm Bacon...
Every time i see a person kneeling over tying their shoe, i run up behind them and hop over them to try and get a game of leapfrog going.
Am I the only one who calculates how much sleep I can get before I go to bed?
What do you call a dog with no hind legs? Dragon Balls.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
You should probably take everything I say with a grain of salt. And lime. And shot of tequila.
I`m not drunk ... But I`m working on it.
I`m beginning to think that my destiny in life is just to be a bad example that other people can learn from.
Me? Stalk? No, I just observe... behind a tree... at night…in the rain.
Lately I`ve been convinced that some people were born solely for purpose of eventually pissing me off...
There would be a lot less people willing to run for public office if the losers were required to pick up all the lawn signs afterwards.
Nothing`s more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in CVS was staring at me.