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The best part about being at work on Friday is that it gives me 9 hours to figure out what I`m going to drink tonight.
Offering someone food and secretly hoping they say no.
I`m so broke that I can`t even pay attention!
Don`t care what your religious or political beliefs are, if you`re male or female, young or old. I will tackle you hard for that last donut.
If you`re going take a bathroom picture, at least clean it off. I can`t see anything through all the toothpaste.
Now that "twerk" has been added to the dictionary, I can`t wait for a Spelling Bee judge to be asked to use it in a sentence.
That awkward moment when you gently toss your phone on the bed and it bounces off 3 walls, breaks 2 lamps and kills a cat...
If a woman asks if you "notice anything new" tell her "I do, your beauty surprises me every day." Then continue thinking about velociraptors
You can`t fix stupid, but you can watch it in action on Facebook every day.
My winter wardrobe consists of my summer clothes layered on top of one and other.
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I`d never be bored again.
Just got rid of 150lbs of ugly fat ... Got divorced.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I want to take this moment to thank the depends adult diaper company for allowing me to play my video game for a strait 8 hours uninterupted...
I`ve been around the block a few times.....but only because I was too drunk to find my house.