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Do not read the next sentence. You little rebel, that`s why I like you.
Sometimes, you can just tell it`s gonna be a "does not play well with others" kind of day.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words "gruesome discovery" coming from your TV on the morning news.
You`re never too old to throw random sh*t in people`s shopping carts when they aren`t looking.
If anybody asks, I was on Facebook all night tonight, okay? Thanks for having my back, everyone.
It`s unfortunate that most people will never run out of things to say.
No, an erection is not considered personal growth.
Dear piece of paper that wont go in the dust pan ... f*ck you!
I am proud to say that I have completed the 1st item on my bucket list... I got the bucket
The guy that discovered milk.. What did you tell your friends were you doing to that cow? O_o
I think my TV remote has developed some sort of Romulan cloaking technology.
We are hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm. If you can’t come, let me know.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Monday morning coffee is just as important as friday night liquor....almost.