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Don’t underestimate my ability to do absolutely nothing.
My RSVP : I`ll be attending your wedding alone but consuming enough cake and alcohol for at least two.
Before I got married I didn`t even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge
Some people are training as complainers like it is a competitive sport
My kids keep bugging me about dinner, even after I keep telling them I already ate.
If it looks like a pig and walks like a pig, do me a favor & tell my ex girlfriend I said hello.
Being married is 90% talking about what to have for dinner.
My kids are giving all the people on this airplane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
I will never admit to my parents that I don’t believe in the Easter Bunny or Santa as long as I still get presents and candy.
If ANY of my posts have made even one person’s day better, then there’s something seriously wrong with that person
Unless my horoscope says, "You will dread going to work and will most likely masturbate," then it is a crock of sh*t.
Pay no attention to the pizza being delivered to the bush outside your bedroom window.
A good way to break up with a girl gently, is to curtsy when you`re meeting her father instead of shaking his hand.
Snails would be terrifying if they moved quickly.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong...and a Tax is a fine for doing well