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I told my psychiatrist that I`ve been hearing voices. He told me that I don`t have a psychiatrist.
Whenever I lock a car up I always press the button twice in a row to let all nearby thieves know that I mean business.
If a cannibal is late to dinner do they give him the cold shoulder?
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Karma’s only a bitch if you are.
Those who stir the sh!t pot should have to lick the spoon.
’twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone was screaming ... cuz I went into the wrong house.
So....if the cup is only half full....I suggest buying a smaller bra
Drake isn`t even a rapper anymore. He`s an emotion, like "how are you doing today?" "idk im feeling kinda drake though"
Surgery is just stabbing someone to life.
I`m angrier than a waitress forced to sing happy birthday
You know one thing i really like about you is that you dont like anything about me.
My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.
My goal in life: Build a time machine and travel forward into the future until I can stop and ask someone "Do you know what `buffering` is?" and they are clueless.
And remember friends, condoms aren`t always protective....my friend was wearing one and he fell down the stairs